What Pornography Can Teach Men About Having Great Sex, Orgasms and Making Her Sexually Satisfied

When you think about it, pornographic movies are a little ridiculous. The men are impossibly proportioned, the sex is entirely for the man’s benefit, and the man shows all the intimacy and emotional range of a sponge. In short, it is sex perfectly tailored to men! No surprises then that when we try it with our partners, the usual responses is negative… really negative.

While that might seem the end of it, most of us know (Either from personal experience or from watching the recent proliferation of sex tapes on the internet) that some people are having sex that would make any adult movie star proud. The question is: what are they doing that most guys aren’t?

Women and Porn-star Sex

Most women are willing to experiment with some elements of porn-star sex, they just don’t like the other elements. Unsurprisingly, women find a total lack of intimacy a huge turn-off: after all it could be anyone underneath your favorite star and he’d have sex exactly the same way! There is a key message for men everywhere: don’t ever think that your hips moving like a jackrabbit can ever replace basic intimacy!

Often in these movies, the guys act in a very dominant way. While this may seem like a bad thing to try in your sex life, in fact this is often something that guys forget: just make sure not to confuse being manly with being mean! It is okay to act dominant and in-control during sex, for many women it is a key part of the sex fantasy.

In porn everything is done for the man’s benefit, which is one of many reasons why women don’t usually like watching it. If you want to try these kind of acts in real life, they need to be about both of your pleasures. The cowgirl, for example, is mostly used to get some ‘good’ shots in movies, whereas in real life it is an excellent way to give her a G-spot orgasm. However not all sex acts that take place in porn are about her pleasure, so the question is how do things that seem entirely about the guy’s pleasure become something that she will want to do.

For Whose Pleasure?

That is where making sure that you have great sex is really important. Sex should always be able getting to the goal where you get pleasure from touching her and she gets pleasure from touching you. A good example of this is anal sex. A lot of guys just ‘stick it in’ hurting her (And possibly themselves!) in the act, however if done correctly so that you make sure that it is pleasurable to her throughout, anal sex should stimulate the erogenous zones in a different way to ‘regular sex’.

While there are better ways to learn than watching these kinds of movies, there are lessons to be learned. You should never consider going out of your way to repeat the sexual acrobatics of your favorite star, but there is nothing wrong with using some techniques in the right way.

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A Scarlet Letter Of A Sex Worker

The sex industry is an often misunderstood profession that in all actuality can be a lucrative, convenient and viable career option for those brave enough (or fool-hardy depending on your point of view) to pursue this line of work.

We have all heard of the time-worn cliché that prostitution is oldest trade, however, by and large the stigma and judgement still persists for all those who work within it.

The sale of sex remains the ‘scarlet letter’ for any person willing to forgo their relative anonymity for a form of notoriety that will long outlive their actual participation in the work, where wider society has found itself unable to make a connection with sex work and any semblance of innate self- respect or dignity of that individual.

Yet perhaps this should not be viewed as wrong or immoral per se as long as they are not left degraded and are operating safely. Providing this decision remains theirs alone, and is not the manifestation of force or of any modicum of coercion involved, or worse still being enslaved into the profession, then they have a fundamental right, as any of us, to exercise their own free-will in their endeavours.

Bishakha Oatta, a writer and filmmaker in India, has these views on the subject, “When women say the harm in sex work comes not from the act of selling sex, but from the stigma and violence surrounding it because of its illegal nature, we must hear them”.

One of the most important considerations perhaps, ultimately lies in the choice, and as long as this remains and informed one, it would be reasonable to at least allow others to find their own paths and not be shamed out of it by the notion it may be at odds with societies’ values.

Indeed, many enjoy the lifestyle and undoubted monetary rewards accrued from sex work, albeit for a very limited period, as this tends to be a short-lived career, particularly in the adult porn industry, who can expect a career of several years duration at most if they are successful in the business.

The suitability of the surrounding area must also be considered. There would be few residents entirely at ease with the knowledge that an establishment selling sex was in such close quarters as to offend their sensibilities, with maybe young families living in the vicinity, or any other possible ramifications.

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7 Sex Mistakes That Could Kill Your Relationship

The following are the 7 mistakes that you should watch out for.

(1) Comparing yourself against others

Sexuality is probably the most subjective aspect of human experience. As an individual, we are unique by ourselves and each of us get turned on by different things. There is no “one size fits all” magic method to better sex. Forget the magazines quizzes, the 6 steps sex books and the porn movies, there is simply no meaningful way to compare yourself to a stranger (that you see or read about) when it comes to sexuality. For example, what you see porn movies is just aiming to visually arouse you and not trying to show you how you can sexually satisfy your partner. Besides, almost everyone lies about sex. Comparing yourself to others will only give you grief. If you want to have an enjoyable sex life, focus on yourself and the person you are having sex with.

(2) Sex is not just only a visual experience

For some, having the lights on during sexual activity can allow us to enjoy visual arousal from our sexual partner. Great sex can also happen with the lights off. But it can’t happen without touching and at its best it engages all four of the other senses as well.

(3) Just pounding away on her probably will not make her come.

Some women are extremely orgasmic and can easily reach climax with very little skill on your part but most do not. If a woman can come easily with you by your mere thrusting action, you probably did a lot of other things right (before you walk into the bedroom) that you may not be aware off. During dating, you probably make her laugh a lot, touch at her sexually-sensitive pleasure points (not breasts or vagina), get her excited when you kiss her, you project confidence in front of her, you make her feel appreciated and all these little things can lead her to easy orgasm.

For a woman the interactive part is the most important part. It is when she feels connected and engaged to you that she feels the most sexual pleasure. Make statements expressing your love in her in a proper manner and surprise her with sincerity at times with inexpensive gifts. This will flip the neural switches in her brain so that when you touch her body and make love to her, she experiences massive, orgasmic pleasure.

(4) Neglecting your body

None of us have perfect bodies. Yet we are always been fed with pierced together versions of beauty that can sometimes magnify certain “imperfections” of our bodies. In despair, some of us could just “give up” on caring our bodies. Whatever your body is like, your sexuality is part of it and you ignore your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment. You should invest your time and effort in taking care of your body. Build up your heart endurance by running, walking, swimming or any activity that you enjoy for 3 to 4 days per week. Do some stretching exercises and simple weight training to boost your muscular endurance and flexibility.

(5) “Blind” obedience to the experts

Amazon lists over 150 books with great sex in the title, each one offering you an endless stream of advice on what constitutes great sex. However, one person’s ways to great sex may not necessary be your path to great sex. It is not that people with expertise don’t have something to offer. In practice, sexuality is so personal and unique that you should be your own expert in order to have an enjoyable sex life. Your sexual expertise comes from paying attention to your own experience, your own feelings, and the “signals” send out by your own body. It is only after laying your own foundation in sexual knowledge/expertise then it is worthwhile to listen to what others said before deciding which of their advice rings true for you.

(6) Confusing sex entertainment with sex education

Sex entertainment (movies, adult workshops, sex toy stores) can be a fun way to explore your options. But this is not the same thing as sex education or sex therapy. If you are feeling good about your sex life but want more fun, sex entertainment may offer a quick boost. But if you are unsatisfied about your sexuality or your sex life, it is better to turn to a qualified sex educator, counselor or therapist.

(7) Keeping a closed mind on sex

There are countless ways to express and experience your sexuality. You don’t need to throw out your principles to have better sex. However, there is always room for creativity in boosting your sex life.

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Escalating Porn Addiction and Criminal Thoughts

Pre-Internet, young addicts would steal porn magazines from the top shelves of newsagents. Post-Internet – according to my 2 years of research into porn addiction – this is tame compared to what goes through their heads to do to act out their escalating pornography addictions. Many are becoming deeply scared of their own minds and addictions. One man wrote “I have deep dark desires that I wish to fulfil which are even stronger than my porn addiction.” Another man wrote “I am severely depressed. I am now having horrible thoughts of hurting myself and my girlfriend and doing horrible violent things in general. I am 24.”

Depending upon what they have been exposed to in their journey through the bowels of Internet pornography determines what they soon begin feeling compelled to do next when they have become desensitized with purely legal acting out behaviors. Many addicts at this stage fear their next bender could tip them over the edge into doing illegal things as they begin to find it harder and harder to disassociate from the porn world.

It starts with relatively “mild” fears such as a 19 year old who wrote “I’m frightened I’ll become a pervert when I grow up. I’ve been doing porn since I was 14″ to older addicts writing things such as “I now want to see women urinating on toilets after seeing a lot of urine porn and am scared I will act out by setting up a camera in a women’s toilet”. Another (white) man wrote “It’s gotten to the point where I now fantasise that I am a white woman being raped by multiple black men as well as being one of the rapists too.”

One female porn addict wrote “It’s escalating now to an obsession with putting myself in dangerous situations so I can be raped”. Another addict who had a history of physical and sexual abuse and being degraded as a child had the desire to be “killed at the hands of a lover”.

Another 18 year old man wrote “Only drowning and suffocating porn can satisfy me now. I fear I will become a serial killer and I doubt my morality.” Equally as disturbing were the words of a young student who wrote “I’ve got to the point now where bondage videos are not violent enough to satisfy me. I sit in class and think of strangling the woman in front of me.” This man was understandably banned off the forum he wrote this on but my question is “what happened to him?”… Did he ever act out his thoughts?

Another tormented porn addict wrote “Until I saw bestiality porn, I had never wanted to be sexual with an animal. I loved animals and was brought up with them. Now I am acting out with my own dogs and want to put them up for adoption so I can stop this sexual abuse. I want to be able to view my dogs as pets – nothing more. They deserve so much better than this. I’m at breaking point.”

Other escalating pornography addicts become obsessed with being in risky situations like exposing themselves and/ or masturbating in public places. Some addicts will masturbate in back rows of theatres or picture houses or in their car when they stop at the lights. It gives them the arousal they need to be able to reach a new peak that ordinary virtual porn can no longer give them as well as giving them adrenaline hits their addiction needs. One man was being driven by his addiction to expose himself to 10-15 year olds. He wrote “I already do this with women although I pretend I don’t know they can see me. I cannot believe how damaged I am. It happens a lot when I am under pressure or stressed. If I don’t “do the deed” I get very agitated, angry and frustrated. When I do it I get relief but then shame and anger set in and I just want to lock myself away.”

Another addict wrote “I’m so worried about going to jail over all my sexual urges and ideas of the things I want to do. I’m still in school and sometimes masturbate on the bus when the urge comes on me and I can’t control it. I’m scared it will get me into some kind of legal trouble. I then watch porn all night long.”

Other addicts – after watching incest porn – have tormenting urges around family members. One 29 year old addict wrote after watching “mother and son” porn… “In my dreams now, my mother is breast feeding me. I’ve become fascinated with her breasts and am scared I’m going to act out on it and touch or grab her breasts. I also want to take photos and videos of her breasts.” Another addict wrote “I watch mother and son porn, daughter and father porn and sister and brother porn. I escalated to this and am now having intrusive incestual thoughts about my mother and other family members. I am scared I am going to act out on them. I tell myself this is the last time I am going to watch porn due to where it is taking me but I always fall back into it again – the porn. I am scared. When I was younger I was exposed to porn and re-enacted what I saw with another boy and why I am scared now.”

Another terrified addict wrote “Since being exposed to brother/ sister rape porn I have had thoughts about raping my sister. I am heading down a very dangerous and horrible road. I don’t want to be a rapist or a murderer and I certainly don’t want to do this with my sister. Now I feel incredibly awkward around her and have no emotional attachment to her anymore. I fear in the future though that porn will not be enough for me and I may actually rape someone. I really don’t want to be a monster yet I fear that may happen in the future. I’m now, as a result, having frequent suicidal thoughts.”

More disturbing is when severely escalating addicts begin to find that “adult” porn – however depraved – is no longer a big enough of an arousal to satisfy their addiction’s needs so move closer and closer to illegal pornography. One addict wrote “I constantly feel paranoid as some sites have questionable videos of what look like underage girls”. Another wrote “I take myself to the edge of legal porn and then am enticed to 100% illegal material via links that come without warning. The crossover is done in a second. There is, bottom line, no safe way to look at porn. I have to completely disengage. It’s evil shit and makes me feel suicidal… I am a compromised human who has abandoned morality. We click in our own chains while weighing down our souls by feeding off the poisonous digital imagery of unspeakable misery of the most vulnerable in our world”.

One addict on the edge of legal and illegal porn wrote this “I’m paranoid I’ll open the wrong page and get arrested as I’m paranoid I’m being watched by Big Brother. I’m paranoid I’m turning into a dirty old man. It’s no fun anymore.”

Another wrote “I don’t feel safe with myself anymore.” Their fears are because once the crossover has taken place to child pornography, they feel they have truly become “monsters”. One man wrote “I feel like a monster by who I’ve become. I AM a monster”. Another wrote “This addiction is starting to frighten me more and more. Today I googled “12 to 15 year old lesbians”. I now feel sickened and can’t believe I searched for it. Urges that can put these sorts of fantasies in your brain are pure evil.” Another addict wrote “It’s getting worse. The other night I couldn’t sleep because I downloaded something illegal” whilst another said “I’ve escalated to child porn. If I don’t stop I will end up in suicide. I was abused as a child too… ”

One man wrote “I’m beginning to stare at teenagers. I try my hardest not to but it’s tearing me apart. God spare me from my worst. This disease is the pits.” Another addict wrote “I started using porn when I was 7 or 8 and am now 41 and it is destroying my life. It started off with your every day run of the mill porn but in the last 8-10 years it’s escalated. I find myself drawn more and more to younger girls to the point where I search out illegal child pornography images on the net. I live every day in hell, fear and self loathing. I feel like an out of control monster.”

Another addict wrote “during more difficult times in my life, I need much more hardcore porn to get the same effect and I’m finding more and more that illegal stuff is in my head. My self worth is almost non-existent. I’m 18. I also pull my hair out and ignore hunger. I watch porn daily.”

And then one day, addicts become desensitized to child pornography too and begin fantasizing about acting out with children. One man wrote “I’m beginning to get really strong urges to act out. Unless I get control of it soon I’ll end up in prison.” Another addict wrote “I role play in chat rooms where I talk about hitting young girls while they’re being raped. Every time I finish I’m always ashamed but then I dismiss it because it’s the Internet and there’s much worse stuff out there but I still feel weird. Daily I watch incest porn and violent sex porn like rape. I’m also attracted to 12-13 years olds now too. Not a soul knows about my dark secrets and all my friends think I’m completely normal.”

Professor Gail Dines, Professor of Sociology at Wheelock College in Boston, who has studied both pornography addicts and the pornography industry for decades and is author of the book “Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality”, interviewed a number of men in prison who had committed rape on children and found that all the men were habitual users of child pornography. Dr Dines said in an interview with Julie Bindel of The Guardian (2nd July 2010) “What they said to me was they got bored with “regular” porn and wanted something fresh. They were horrified at the idea of sex with a pre-pubescent child initially but within 6 months they had all raped a child”.

Whether addicts escalate to child pornography, rape of children, rape of sisters, mothers or whomever, one thing is clear… pornography addiction always progresses to acting out behavior in one form or another.

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Why Pornography Should Be Introduced and Critiqued In Sex Education Programming At All School Levels

The phrase love that dare not speak it’s name was coined by Lord Alfred Douglas. It first appeared in his poem, “Two Loves,” printed (in the Chameleon) in 1896. It’s a reference to homosexual love, in Lord Alfred’s case, of Oscar Wilde, who was subsequently charged with gross indecency. Homosexuality was a criminal offense in England and just about everywhere else in the 19th century. Today, there is another sexual outlet not so much forbidden as not addressed in polite or other society – a new form of love the name of which sex educators dare not speak: pornography.

This is most unfortunate: a new study suggests that while parents may not be aware of the fact, pornography is the leading sex educator of the young. Alas, the porn industry has no interest in serving a sex education function and certainly does not do so, at least not in a positive, constructive or healthy fashion.

Porn is pervasive, particularly where it is most highly censored. China, for example, is the world’s leading consumer of porn. Jerry Ropelato, author of “Internet Pornography Statistics” at the research website Top Ten Reviews, notes that $3,075.64 is spent on pornography every second of every day. In this one-second period, 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography and 372 internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines. Two of the top twenty search terms are teen sex and teen porn. The pornography industry has larger revenues than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple and Netflix combined. Data from 2006 reported worldwide pornography revenues at $97.06 billion.

Australian researchers David Corlett and Maree Crabbe filmed 140 interviews with young people in what was called “The Reality and Risk Research Project.” They discovered that teens are increasingly turning to the net for sex education. (Source: Denise Ryan, “Teachers urged to address porn factor,” The Australian Age, February 13, 2012.) Porn sex education exerts a destructive influence in the lives of the young. One of the investigators said, “Every young person we interviewed told us that pornography is a significant part of youth culture and particularly of young men’s lives.” She added, “Pornography has become harder, rougher, more hardcore.”

Porn, as you might expect, does not commonly offer instruction in matters relevant to conventional sex education (e.g., the nature of contraception, the prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, the value of intimacy, principles of effective relationships). On the contrary, what it inadvertently communicates to young men, according to “The Project” research group, is reckless, coercive and abusive treatment of women. There is an absence of realistic perspectives and a dearth of respectful treatment of sexual partners. In addition, sexual practices of an unsafe nature are commonplace. While informed adults may have the maturity to manage such depictions, teens with little or, more often, no sexual experience clearly do not.

Since parents usually cannot keep porn from being accessed one way or another or one time or other by their children, the more likely best strategy is to include porn awareness in sex ed instruction. This is the focus of efforts by “The Project” team. Several grants have provided the resources to prepare and test programs for use in training sex education teachers for varied school grade levels. While teachers need skills to address this issue, teens need exposure to effective critiques of pornography’s representations of gender and sex. Among the objectives of the Project team is to develop teaching materials that present diverse scenarios for classroom discussions that will enable young adults to distinguish between what they see depicted in porn and reality.

The overwhelming majority of parents believe their child has never seen pornography. However, a 2003 Australia Institute investigation citied in the Australian Age article cited above reported that 84 per cent of boys and 60 per cent of girls had access to sex sites on the internet. A 2006 Australian study of youths aged 13 to 16 found that 92 per cent of boys and 61 per cent of girls had been exposed to pornography online.

Of course, Republicans in this country might favor a simpler solution: Pass new laws banning pornography or otherwise make it nearly impossible for young people to gain access to it. Given the widespread availability of social media of all kinds in the wired culture of our age, a reliance on censorship does not seem promising (not to dwell on the consistency of such a Draconian tactic with that troublesome First Amendment in America). Good luck cutting off porn – shy of creating a police state. Better sex education is cheaper and quicker, more likely and better suited to personal liberties and sound education.

Everyone, including the young, needs a broad set of knowledge and critical thinking skills to reject a sexuality that eroticises degradation and violence, glorifies unrealistic body types (particularly large breasts and out-sized penises) and undermines relationship elements founded on respect, courtesy and the common decencies.

It is hard enough in the current climate of Right Wing evangelical Republican culture war wedge politics to gain acceptance for sex ed of any kind, let alone adding porn assessment to the mix. If a school board or individual educator in this country tried to address pornography, he or she would be cited by Santorum, Romney or Gingrich as an example of what’s wrong with Obamacare. Try dealing with this crisis only if willing to deal with a firestorm of controversy from the Right.

Yet, all evidence and the lessons from Prohibition and the Comstock era suggest that ignoring or trying to repress the pervasiveness of pornography as it affects youthful sexual expectations and behavior is pernicious and irresponsible.

In my view, we need to make clear as part of sex ed that porn has nothing to do with love. We dare not NOT speak its name – and dare NOT ignore the reality of pornography’s dreadful influence on the sexual miseducation of the young. If this upsets Republicans, well, that’s just too bad. If they had enjoyed better sex education, they might be more sensible about such things – and probably less interested in porn, as well.

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